Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Medical Lingo
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JIM Unger [Vedio Here]
Jim Unger, creator of the very popular comic panel "Herman" was not only brilliant but a guy willing to go the extra mile for his fans.
Many years ago I wrote Mr. Unger to express my great pleasure in reading his comic feature. I could always count on getting a chuckle and often a big laugh out of his zany sense of humor. He, in turn, was very kind to send me an ori
ginal "Herman" which I now proudly display on my studio wall. It cost him over $3.00 to mail it to me as he was, at the time, living in the Bahamas and I'm in the United States. I've never forgotten that kindness and in return I sought out as many "Herman" collections as I could find.
.
I don't know how many cartoonists would have done that for someone they didn't know. But Jim Unger did. (Cathy Guisewite, creator of 'Cathy' actually took the time to make a drawing of her character for me.)
Unger's work influenced many strips with a weird zaniest about them, such as Gary Larson's 'The Far Side' (who never did respond to my letter!!) and many, many more, including my own work.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Three Things You Need to Know about a Potential Lover
If you're a woman looking for a male companion these are the first three things you need to know about him:
1. Does he have a job?
2. How much does he earn?
3. Will he hand over his check to me?
If you're a man looking for a female companion these are the first three things you need to know about her:
1. Her cup size
2. Is she a good conversationalist? (as in does she keep her mouth shut until asked otherwise and does she know when the hell to shut up?)
3. Does she give head?
1. Does he have a job?
2. How much does he earn?
3. Will he hand over his check to me?
If you're a man looking for a female companion these are the first three things you need to know about her:
1. Her cup size
2. Is she a good conversationalist? (as in does she keep her mouth shut until asked otherwise and does she know when the hell to shut up?)
3. Does she give head?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Internet Manure
I sought to publish, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, via EzineArticles.com but some nincompoop over there doesn't understand it is a HUMOROUS piece not meant to carry a big load of crap with it to sell anything or "inform" anyone of anything.
Now you tell me how many times have you've come across those asinine articles that say nothing in the stupid attempt to get you to click on the lame link at the bottom of the page? You've seen them... the "author" bragging about what he supposedly has done to save the world from leeches like him/herself.
Do we really need MORE of that manure?
With that in mind, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, was written purely to entertain.
Now you tell me how many times have you've come across those asinine articles that say nothing in the stupid attempt to get you to click on the lame link at the bottom of the page? You've seen them... the "author" bragging about what he supposedly has done to save the world from leeches like him/herself.
Do we really need MORE of that manure?
With that in mind, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, was written purely to entertain.
Saving the World One Bum at a Time
A stumblebum slithers up to me and in a rough, hoarse voice sounding every bit like a slowed down coffee grinder breathes into my face, "Hey, buddy, do you have a cigarette you can spare?"
"No" says I, "I don't smoke."
"Well then, do you have a couple of dollars you can spare?" He presses forward trying to be intimidating but only proving himself to be annoying. "No!" I say in my deepest, sternest voice.
"I suppose you don't have a job either!" the beggar says with a smirk.
"I know where you can get one." I can't resist a good verbal fistfight. "They're shooting one of those Bum Fights videos downtown. You'd fit right in ya knothead!" The tramp throws me the finger and spits on himself. I laugh and give him two fingers in return. "Motherfrekn'naoewoareuea" he yells back at me as he scampers down an alley. I laugh and throw him another finger as a victory salute for good measure. "Get out of here ya dirt bag!" I yell after him, "You better get some of that Dumpster deli while it's fresh, loser!" I laugh at my own wit as he disappears around the far corner.
I go on chuckling to myself. The nerve of that alley rat I laugh. What a nitwit. Then I turn to find a priest has been watching the entire thing. He shakes his head at me as one does a child who has been caught misbehaving.
"Son" he says approaching me, his voice is soft, his face relaxing, "Could you spare oh, I dunno.. ten or twenty dollars? Not for me, but for the Church." He looks me right in the eye and smiles. His smile seems to glow and his voice sounds like a finely tuned instrument. He's been here before I think to myself.
"Father" I begin, for I don't know what else to call him, "Father, I'm not Catholic."
"Oh, the Lord won't hold that against you my child" he says, "Your money is good in the work of the Church, as good as the next fellows. Please, my son, could you reach into your heart and recognize His Grace and what it has meant in your life that you might come to help a fellow human being, surly a brother in need?"
Oh Jesus! I think, Uuuugh, this sucks! This old, creaky insane person is reaching his hand out in expectation. I feel heat in my backside, right in the wallet area! I slowly begin to reach behind myself. GOD! I'm screaming silently. I'm trying to resist what I am about to do.
Why does doing a good deed hurt so much? I can't stand this, I'm caught like a rat. The only good thing about this is none of my friends see what I am about to do! I could never live it down. Slowly I unlodge my wallet, time seemingly standing still as I blindly ruffle in my wallet to find a five dollar bill behind a ten and a twenty.
"That!" the priest perks up pointing a bent, knotty finger, "That twenty will do the Church nicely my son! Oh bless you! Bless you!"
Goddam@# my mind is screaming, my hands tremble as I pull out the twenty spot. Ugghghghgh! Jesus Chri!!!!! I slowly begin to hand the priest my twenty. But he doesn't wait for it, he snatches it from my grip.
"Oh yes my son!" He says, "Oh bless you my child, this will surly bring comfort to a lost soul somewhere."
I'm still blubbering as the priest goes trotting ahead of me shouting out praises. I shake my head at what I just did, what the hell came over me? What were you thinking? Do you realize how much blood you had to give at the office to squeeze a pay check out of the boss' veins, and then wrestle with the government to whittle it down to that twenty dollars you just gave away like some drunken fool? You idiot!
Well, I think to myself trying to make sense of my temporary insanity, at least he didn't ask me to drop to my knees I manage a chuckle.
Lord! What a.. ugggh!
Further up the block I can hear voices. It's that priest still praising me! I shake my head, he's right around the corner, don't look at him just keep walking you've done your good deed for the day, hell for twenty days! Twenty years! As I begin to step past where the priest is I see he's with that bum I ran into earlier! What the fu**... and worst... he's giving him MY twenty dollar bill! The priest smiles at me and the bum waves.
"Thanks Mister" the bum yells out at me as he continues to wave. I see he's holding my twenty and giving me the finger at the same time! "This old dude here tells me what ya done. Going about saving the world but ya couldn't spare a brother a cigarette, pathetic!" He laughs, and spits on himself.
"No" says I, "I don't smoke."
"Well then, do you have a couple of dollars you can spare?" He presses forward trying to be intimidating but only proving himself to be annoying. "No!" I say in my deepest, sternest voice.
"I suppose you don't have a job either!" the beggar says with a smirk.
"I know where you can get one." I can't resist a good verbal fistfight. "They're shooting one of those Bum Fights videos downtown. You'd fit right in ya knothead!" The tramp throws me the finger and spits on himself. I laugh and give him two fingers in return. "Motherfrekn'naoewoareuea" he yells back at me as he scampers down an alley. I laugh and throw him another finger as a victory salute for good measure. "Get out of here ya dirt bag!" I yell after him, "You better get some of that Dumpster deli while it's fresh, loser!" I laugh at my own wit as he disappears around the far corner.
I go on chuckling to myself. The nerve of that alley rat I laugh. What a nitwit. Then I turn to find a priest has been watching the entire thing. He shakes his head at me as one does a child who has been caught misbehaving.
"Son" he says approaching me, his voice is soft, his face relaxing, "Could you spare oh, I dunno.. ten or twenty dollars? Not for me, but for the Church." He looks me right in the eye and smiles. His smile seems to glow and his voice sounds like a finely tuned instrument. He's been here before I think to myself.
"Father" I begin, for I don't know what else to call him, "Father, I'm not Catholic."
"Oh, the Lord won't hold that against you my child" he says, "Your money is good in the work of the Church, as good as the next fellows. Please, my son, could you reach into your heart and recognize His Grace and what it has meant in your life that you might come to help a fellow human being, surly a brother in need?"
Oh Jesus! I think, Uuuugh, this sucks! This old, creaky insane person is reaching his hand out in expectation. I feel heat in my backside, right in the wallet area! I slowly begin to reach behind myself. GOD! I'm screaming silently. I'm trying to resist what I am about to do.
Why does doing a good deed hurt so much? I can't stand this, I'm caught like a rat. The only good thing about this is none of my friends see what I am about to do! I could never live it down. Slowly I unlodge my wallet, time seemingly standing still as I blindly ruffle in my wallet to find a five dollar bill behind a ten and a twenty.
"That!" the priest perks up pointing a bent, knotty finger, "That twenty will do the Church nicely my son! Oh bless you! Bless you!"
Goddam@# my mind is screaming, my hands tremble as I pull out the twenty spot. Ugghghghgh! Jesus Chri!!!!! I slowly begin to hand the priest my twenty. But he doesn't wait for it, he snatches it from my grip.
"Oh yes my son!" He says, "Oh bless you my child, this will surly bring comfort to a lost soul somewhere."
I'm still blubbering as the priest goes trotting ahead of me shouting out praises. I shake my head at what I just did, what the hell came over me? What were you thinking? Do you realize how much blood you had to give at the office to squeeze a pay check out of the boss' veins, and then wrestle with the government to whittle it down to that twenty dollars you just gave away like some drunken fool? You idiot!
Well, I think to myself trying to make sense of my temporary insanity, at least he didn't ask me to drop to my knees I manage a chuckle.
Lord! What a.. ugggh!
Further up the block I can hear voices. It's that priest still praising me! I shake my head, he's right around the corner, don't look at him just keep walking you've done your good deed for the day, hell for twenty days! Twenty years! As I begin to step past where the priest is I see he's with that bum I ran into earlier! What the fu**... and worst... he's giving him MY twenty dollar bill! The priest smiles at me and the bum waves.
"Thanks Mister" the bum yells out at me as he continues to wave. I see he's holding my twenty and giving me the finger at the same time! "This old dude here tells me what ya done. Going about saving the world but ya couldn't spare a brother a cigarette, pathetic!" He laughs, and spits on himself.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Welcome to Your New Life
So you say you're graduating college and now you're anxious to get your career and "new life" underway. You're looking forward to getting away from, really getting away from, those "old" folks who call themselves your parents but who never seem to really understand you at all.
You've suffered through 12 years of public school and maybe 2 to 4 years (or more) of college, freedom isn't around the corner, now it's clearly in site!
Well, hold your horses. The pain isn't over. In fact, it's just beginning.
Your first year on the job will blow up a lot of your illusions. But hey, it's only your first year right? There's better to come. After all, you're looking for a long career and only Lord knows where the years will take you. Well, the Lord and in all modesty.. me.
It isn't going to be a picnic.
After year one comes year two then year three. You'll be lucky to be employed not only by the same company three years from now but employed in your chosen field at all! And once you're busy slaving away at what you've been learning all these years.. which isn't necessarily what you think it is... you've actually been taught how to be a GOOD SLAVE... all sorts of things begin to happen in your life and in your head.
If you haven't already done so, then you may fall in love. Then comes the baby or babies. And all of the responsibilities that entails. Now things get really "interesting". Job, family, job, family, job, family. Slowly you and your better half find yourself drifting apart, pursuing other interests whenever you can find the time. And there's the haggling and arguments over finances, always a hungry third party of any marriage. Not to mention all of the unwanted "advice" by well meaning (?) in-laws.
Oh yeah, you're new life is going swell!
Then one day, after years of banging your head against the wall meeting the needs of needy employers you look in the mirror and wonder what the hell ever happened to YOU. Now you're the parent struggling to understand the brats you're putting through college, sweating over how you're going to pay for everything. But you're still hopeful. One day you're going to retire and if your employer doesn't rip you off and if you can keep the government out of your pocket long enough, and if your kids don't drive you to drink and drugs, you'll be able to retire!
Ah yes, so don't sweat that first year of hell on the job, there's 29 more to come and then one day, yes one day, you'll finally be able to settle down into that New Life you've been wanting all along.
That is, if you don't croak along the way.
You've suffered through 12 years of public school and maybe 2 to 4 years (or more) of college, freedom isn't around the corner, now it's clearly in site!
Well, hold your horses. The pain isn't over. In fact, it's just beginning.
Your first year on the job will blow up a lot of your illusions. But hey, it's only your first year right? There's better to come. After all, you're looking for a long career and only Lord knows where the years will take you. Well, the Lord and in all modesty.. me.
It isn't going to be a picnic.
After year one comes year two then year three. You'll be lucky to be employed not only by the same company three years from now but employed in your chosen field at all! And once you're busy slaving away at what you've been learning all these years.. which isn't necessarily what you think it is... you've actually been taught how to be a GOOD SLAVE... all sorts of things begin to happen in your life and in your head.
If you haven't already done so, then you may fall in love. Then comes the baby or babies. And all of the responsibilities that entails. Now things get really "interesting". Job, family, job, family, job, family. Slowly you and your better half find yourself drifting apart, pursuing other interests whenever you can find the time. And there's the haggling and arguments over finances, always a hungry third party of any marriage. Not to mention all of the unwanted "advice" by well meaning (?) in-laws.
Oh yeah, you're new life is going swell!
Then one day, after years of banging your head against the wall meeting the needs of needy employers you look in the mirror and wonder what the hell ever happened to YOU. Now you're the parent struggling to understand the brats you're putting through college, sweating over how you're going to pay for everything. But you're still hopeful. One day you're going to retire and if your employer doesn't rip you off and if you can keep the government out of your pocket long enough, and if your kids don't drive you to drink and drugs, you'll be able to retire!
Ah yes, so don't sweat that first year of hell on the job, there's 29 more to come and then one day, yes one day, you'll finally be able to settle down into that New Life you've been wanting all along.
That is, if you don't croak along the way.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Don't Shake Moe's Hand
Moe, of The Moe Radio Show on Q92, is a fat bastard by his own admission. Well, I dressed it up some.. but he does says he’s a fat "dude". He looks disgusting naked (again, by his own admission) but he likes his women "hot". They are always "hot" never, "a great looking woman."
Moe tells us he’s a selfish guy. He’s also rude as hell to anyone whom he doesn’t agree with. This sort of crap is very popular among most of the fools who ring him up on the radio. Even those half-wits who call to cuss him out when they know full well he’s going to bash their brains out with screaming and fuming. It’s ridiculous really. But I’m stuck listening to this guy rant about his fat ass and stupid opinions because my co-workers like to listen to him so they can ridicule nearly everything he says.
For example, Moe claims he just doesn’t understand guys who aren’t trying to lay every "hot girl" they can get their hands on. He admits to having sacked XX number of women in his short demented life. I’ve heard other fat guys brag like this but hey, Moe may well be on the level. I doubt though these "hot women" are after him because he’s on the radio! We all know people who make being on the radio a career are on the radio for a reason.. their voices are their best feature, if you know what I mean. I suspect these women are either high or drunk or both. You know near closing time everything looks "doable".. even guys like Moe I guess. "Hot women" doesn’t necessarily mean, "intelligent women."
Years ago I dated a woman who had it all going for her; big breasted, shapely figure and a face with sleepy eyes that just seemed to beg for it. In Moe’s terms she was "hot". But along with the promise of a good time came a nightmare of emotional highs and lows and what can only be termed "insanity unbounded".
For example, DeeDee (not her real name but I don’t want her looking me up with a freak’n suicide vest strapped to her big boobs), once dragged me out to the boondocks kicking, screaming and protesting to meet "Don Johnson", the actor. In her warped mind this hillbilly living in a beat up mobile home was "Don Johnson". Now he never said he was Don Johnson, she simply had convinced herself he was the famed actor. He looked nothing like Don Johnson! I’m talking NOTHING LIKE HIM AT ALL!
I remember taking one look at this drunk in a dirty T-shirt standing in the doorway of this trashed out mobile home, turning around, cussing DeeDee out and jumping in my car I left her with him way out in hillbilly land never to look back!
So much for "hot women" Moe, you freak’n retard. All any man needs is ONE good woman, everything beyond that simply makes you a pig. It’s quality that counts most in life, not quantity.
Recently Moe had a run in with a guy in a lavatory. The "old guy" as Moe put it, challenged him for not washing his hands after "going number 1". So for 15 minutes (or so it seemed) Moe ranted on how he washes his "junk" (again, Moe’s term for it) BEFORE he takes a piss! LOL LOL, what a knothead! Every two-year-old knows to wash his hand AFTER taking a piss but here’s lady-killer Moe telling us he washes his pecker BEFORE he takes a piss!
So let’s take a step back here for a minute and access the situation: A fat guy with strong sexual fantasies on the verge of total perversion who doesn’t wash his hands after taking a piss – every "hot" woman’s dream I’m sure.
But consider this: the guy is a Disc Jockey sitting on his fat, sweaty ass all day. Anyone who ever had to work next to a fat sweaty guy knows that’s not good. They stink. They stink because they’re constantly sweating. They stink because they tend to carry shit and piss in their underwear (you can smell it I’m not making this stuff up). And now Moe tells us proudly that he doesn’t wash his hands after handling his "junk"… OH MY FREAK’N GOD!
If not for the laughter in my office as this moron rant on about the "old dude who should be dead" criticizing him for his lack of class I think I would puke!
Now imagine this, knowing all of this about Moe, you walk up to him and he sticks his hand out to shake your hand. Do you accept it?
Moe tells us he’s a selfish guy. He’s also rude as hell to anyone whom he doesn’t agree with. This sort of crap is very popular among most of the fools who ring him up on the radio. Even those half-wits who call to cuss him out when they know full well he’s going to bash their brains out with screaming and fuming. It’s ridiculous really. But I’m stuck listening to this guy rant about his fat ass and stupid opinions because my co-workers like to listen to him so they can ridicule nearly everything he says.
For example, Moe claims he just doesn’t understand guys who aren’t trying to lay every "hot girl" they can get their hands on. He admits to having sacked XX number of women in his short demented life. I’ve heard other fat guys brag like this but hey, Moe may well be on the level. I doubt though these "hot women" are after him because he’s on the radio! We all know people who make being on the radio a career are on the radio for a reason.. their voices are their best feature, if you know what I mean. I suspect these women are either high or drunk or both. You know near closing time everything looks "doable".. even guys like Moe I guess. "Hot women" doesn’t necessarily mean, "intelligent women."
Years ago I dated a woman who had it all going for her; big breasted, shapely figure and a face with sleepy eyes that just seemed to beg for it. In Moe’s terms she was "hot". But along with the promise of a good time came a nightmare of emotional highs and lows and what can only be termed "insanity unbounded".
For example, DeeDee (not her real name but I don’t want her looking me up with a freak’n suicide vest strapped to her big boobs), once dragged me out to the boondocks kicking, screaming and protesting to meet "Don Johnson", the actor. In her warped mind this hillbilly living in a beat up mobile home was "Don Johnson". Now he never said he was Don Johnson, she simply had convinced herself he was the famed actor. He looked nothing like Don Johnson! I’m talking NOTHING LIKE HIM AT ALL!
I remember taking one look at this drunk in a dirty T-shirt standing in the doorway of this trashed out mobile home, turning around, cussing DeeDee out and jumping in my car I left her with him way out in hillbilly land never to look back!
So much for "hot women" Moe, you freak’n retard. All any man needs is ONE good woman, everything beyond that simply makes you a pig. It’s quality that counts most in life, not quantity.
Recently Moe had a run in with a guy in a lavatory. The "old guy" as Moe put it, challenged him for not washing his hands after "going number 1". So for 15 minutes (or so it seemed) Moe ranted on how he washes his "junk" (again, Moe’s term for it) BEFORE he takes a piss! LOL LOL, what a knothead! Every two-year-old knows to wash his hand AFTER taking a piss but here’s lady-killer Moe telling us he washes his pecker BEFORE he takes a piss!
So let’s take a step back here for a minute and access the situation: A fat guy with strong sexual fantasies on the verge of total perversion who doesn’t wash his hands after taking a piss – every "hot" woman’s dream I’m sure.
But consider this: the guy is a Disc Jockey sitting on his fat, sweaty ass all day. Anyone who ever had to work next to a fat sweaty guy knows that’s not good. They stink. They stink because they’re constantly sweating. They stink because they tend to carry shit and piss in their underwear (you can smell it I’m not making this stuff up). And now Moe tells us proudly that he doesn’t wash his hands after handling his "junk"… OH MY FREAK’N GOD!
If not for the laughter in my office as this moron rant on about the "old dude who should be dead" criticizing him for his lack of class I think I would puke!
Now imagine this, knowing all of this about Moe, you walk up to him and he sticks his hand out to shake your hand. Do you accept it?
Monday, April 19, 2010
Why Ice Land Sucks: What's in a Name?
Ice Land is really beginning to piss me off. Not only do they have the gull to pollute most of Europe with a volcano eruption but with those ridiculous sounding names you can’t even cuss the bastards out properly.
In China every other person is named "Lee". Every third person is named "Yang". These are names we can handle. But try "Yokuyiolanoddurandnf god dammit" and you end up with a mouthful of shit.
Even the late, great, Jun Fan Yuen Kam had the good sense to give us a name we all can handle; Bruce Lee. But of course, only a fool would have cussed Bruce Lee out by any name.
In China every other person is named "Lee". Every third person is named "Yang". These are names we can handle. But try "Yokuyiolanoddurandnf god dammit" and you end up with a mouthful of shit.
Even the late, great, Jun Fan Yuen Kam had the good sense to give us a name we all can handle; Bruce Lee. But of course, only a fool would have cussed Bruce Lee out by any name.
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