Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Internet Manure
I sought to publish, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, via EzineArticles.com but some nincompoop over there doesn't understand it is a HUMOROUS piece not meant to carry a big load of crap with it to sell anything or "inform" anyone of anything.
Now you tell me how many times have you've come across those asinine articles that say nothing in the stupid attempt to get you to click on the lame link at the bottom of the page? You've seen them... the "author" bragging about what he supposedly has done to save the world from leeches like him/herself.
Do we really need MORE of that manure?
With that in mind, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, was written purely to entertain.
Now you tell me how many times have you've come across those asinine articles that say nothing in the stupid attempt to get you to click on the lame link at the bottom of the page? You've seen them... the "author" bragging about what he supposedly has done to save the world from leeches like him/herself.
Do we really need MORE of that manure?
With that in mind, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, was written purely to entertain.
Saving the World One Bum at a Time
A stumblebum slithers up to me and in a rough, hoarse voice sounding every bit like a slowed down coffee grinder breathes into my face, "Hey, buddy, do you have a cigarette you can spare?"
"No" says I, "I don't smoke."
"Well then, do you have a couple of dollars you can spare?" He presses forward trying to be intimidating but only proving himself to be annoying. "No!" I say in my deepest, sternest voice.
"I suppose you don't have a job either!" the beggar says with a smirk.
"I know where you can get one." I can't resist a good verbal fistfight. "They're shooting one of those Bum Fights videos downtown. You'd fit right in ya knothead!" The tramp throws me the finger and spits on himself. I laugh and give him two fingers in return. "Motherfrekn'naoewoareuea" he yells back at me as he scampers down an alley. I laugh and throw him another finger as a victory salute for good measure. "Get out of here ya dirt bag!" I yell after him, "You better get some of that Dumpster deli while it's fresh, loser!" I laugh at my own wit as he disappears around the far corner.
I go on chuckling to myself. The nerve of that alley rat I laugh. What a nitwit. Then I turn to find a priest has been watching the entire thing. He shakes his head at me as one does a child who has been caught misbehaving.
"Son" he says approaching me, his voice is soft, his face relaxing, "Could you spare oh, I dunno.. ten or twenty dollars? Not for me, but for the Church." He looks me right in the eye and smiles. His smile seems to glow and his voice sounds like a finely tuned instrument. He's been here before I think to myself.
"Father" I begin, for I don't know what else to call him, "Father, I'm not Catholic."
"Oh, the Lord won't hold that against you my child" he says, "Your money is good in the work of the Church, as good as the next fellows. Please, my son, could you reach into your heart and recognize His Grace and what it has meant in your life that you might come to help a fellow human being, surly a brother in need?"
Oh Jesus! I think, Uuuugh, this sucks! This old, creaky insane person is reaching his hand out in expectation. I feel heat in my backside, right in the wallet area! I slowly begin to reach behind myself. GOD! I'm screaming silently. I'm trying to resist what I am about to do.
Why does doing a good deed hurt so much? I can't stand this, I'm caught like a rat. The only good thing about this is none of my friends see what I am about to do! I could never live it down. Slowly I unlodge my wallet, time seemingly standing still as I blindly ruffle in my wallet to find a five dollar bill behind a ten and a twenty.
"That!" the priest perks up pointing a bent, knotty finger, "That twenty will do the Church nicely my son! Oh bless you! Bless you!"
Goddam@# my mind is screaming, my hands tremble as I pull out the twenty spot. Ugghghghgh! Jesus Chri!!!!! I slowly begin to hand the priest my twenty. But he doesn't wait for it, he snatches it from my grip.
"Oh yes my son!" He says, "Oh bless you my child, this will surly bring comfort to a lost soul somewhere."
I'm still blubbering as the priest goes trotting ahead of me shouting out praises. I shake my head at what I just did, what the hell came over me? What were you thinking? Do you realize how much blood you had to give at the office to squeeze a pay check out of the boss' veins, and then wrestle with the government to whittle it down to that twenty dollars you just gave away like some drunken fool? You idiot!
Well, I think to myself trying to make sense of my temporary insanity, at least he didn't ask me to drop to my knees I manage a chuckle.
Lord! What a.. ugggh!
Further up the block I can hear voices. It's that priest still praising me! I shake my head, he's right around the corner, don't look at him just keep walking you've done your good deed for the day, hell for twenty days! Twenty years! As I begin to step past where the priest is I see he's with that bum I ran into earlier! What the fu**... and worst... he's giving him MY twenty dollar bill! The priest smiles at me and the bum waves.
"Thanks Mister" the bum yells out at me as he continues to wave. I see he's holding my twenty and giving me the finger at the same time! "This old dude here tells me what ya done. Going about saving the world but ya couldn't spare a brother a cigarette, pathetic!" He laughs, and spits on himself.
"No" says I, "I don't smoke."
"Well then, do you have a couple of dollars you can spare?" He presses forward trying to be intimidating but only proving himself to be annoying. "No!" I say in my deepest, sternest voice.
"I suppose you don't have a job either!" the beggar says with a smirk.
"I know where you can get one." I can't resist a good verbal fistfight. "They're shooting one of those Bum Fights videos downtown. You'd fit right in ya knothead!" The tramp throws me the finger and spits on himself. I laugh and give him two fingers in return. "Motherfrekn'naoewoareuea" he yells back at me as he scampers down an alley. I laugh and throw him another finger as a victory salute for good measure. "Get out of here ya dirt bag!" I yell after him, "You better get some of that Dumpster deli while it's fresh, loser!" I laugh at my own wit as he disappears around the far corner.
I go on chuckling to myself. The nerve of that alley rat I laugh. What a nitwit. Then I turn to find a priest has been watching the entire thing. He shakes his head at me as one does a child who has been caught misbehaving.
"Son" he says approaching me, his voice is soft, his face relaxing, "Could you spare oh, I dunno.. ten or twenty dollars? Not for me, but for the Church." He looks me right in the eye and smiles. His smile seems to glow and his voice sounds like a finely tuned instrument. He's been here before I think to myself.
"Father" I begin, for I don't know what else to call him, "Father, I'm not Catholic."
"Oh, the Lord won't hold that against you my child" he says, "Your money is good in the work of the Church, as good as the next fellows. Please, my son, could you reach into your heart and recognize His Grace and what it has meant in your life that you might come to help a fellow human being, surly a brother in need?"
Oh Jesus! I think, Uuuugh, this sucks! This old, creaky insane person is reaching his hand out in expectation. I feel heat in my backside, right in the wallet area! I slowly begin to reach behind myself. GOD! I'm screaming silently. I'm trying to resist what I am about to do.
Why does doing a good deed hurt so much? I can't stand this, I'm caught like a rat. The only good thing about this is none of my friends see what I am about to do! I could never live it down. Slowly I unlodge my wallet, time seemingly standing still as I blindly ruffle in my wallet to find a five dollar bill behind a ten and a twenty.
"That!" the priest perks up pointing a bent, knotty finger, "That twenty will do the Church nicely my son! Oh bless you! Bless you!"
Goddam@# my mind is screaming, my hands tremble as I pull out the twenty spot. Ugghghghgh! Jesus Chri!!!!! I slowly begin to hand the priest my twenty. But he doesn't wait for it, he snatches it from my grip.
"Oh yes my son!" He says, "Oh bless you my child, this will surly bring comfort to a lost soul somewhere."
I'm still blubbering as the priest goes trotting ahead of me shouting out praises. I shake my head at what I just did, what the hell came over me? What were you thinking? Do you realize how much blood you had to give at the office to squeeze a pay check out of the boss' veins, and then wrestle with the government to whittle it down to that twenty dollars you just gave away like some drunken fool? You idiot!
Well, I think to myself trying to make sense of my temporary insanity, at least he didn't ask me to drop to my knees I manage a chuckle.
Lord! What a.. ugggh!
Further up the block I can hear voices. It's that priest still praising me! I shake my head, he's right around the corner, don't look at him just keep walking you've done your good deed for the day, hell for twenty days! Twenty years! As I begin to step past where the priest is I see he's with that bum I ran into earlier! What the fu**... and worst... he's giving him MY twenty dollar bill! The priest smiles at me and the bum waves.
"Thanks Mister" the bum yells out at me as he continues to wave. I see he's holding my twenty and giving me the finger at the same time! "This old dude here tells me what ya done. Going about saving the world but ya couldn't spare a brother a cigarette, pathetic!" He laughs, and spits on himself.
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