Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Three Things You Need to Know about a Potential Lover
If you're a woman looking for a male companion these are the first three things you need to know about him:
1. Does he have a job?
2. How much does he earn?
3. Will he hand over his check to me?
If you're a man looking for a female companion these are the first three things you need to know about her:
1. Her cup size
2. Is she a good conversationalist? (as in does she keep her mouth shut until asked otherwise and does she know when the hell to shut up?)
3. Does she give head?
1. Does he have a job?
2. How much does he earn?
3. Will he hand over his check to me?
If you're a man looking for a female companion these are the first three things you need to know about her:
1. Her cup size
2. Is she a good conversationalist? (as in does she keep her mouth shut until asked otherwise and does she know when the hell to shut up?)
3. Does she give head?
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Internet Manure
I sought to publish, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, via EzineArticles.com but some nincompoop over there doesn't understand it is a HUMOROUS piece not meant to carry a big load of crap with it to sell anything or "inform" anyone of anything.
Now you tell me how many times have you've come across those asinine articles that say nothing in the stupid attempt to get you to click on the lame link at the bottom of the page? You've seen them... the "author" bragging about what he supposedly has done to save the world from leeches like him/herself.
Do we really need MORE of that manure?
With that in mind, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, was written purely to entertain.
Now you tell me how many times have you've come across those asinine articles that say nothing in the stupid attempt to get you to click on the lame link at the bottom of the page? You've seen them... the "author" bragging about what he supposedly has done to save the world from leeches like him/herself.
Do we really need MORE of that manure?
With that in mind, Saving the World One Bum at a Time, was written purely to entertain.
Saving the World One Bum at a Time
A stumblebum slithers up to me and in a rough, hoarse voice sounding every bit like a slowed down coffee grinder breathes into my face, "Hey, buddy, do you have a cigarette you can spare?"
"No" says I, "I don't smoke."
"Well then, do you have a couple of dollars you can spare?" He presses forward trying to be intimidating but only proving himself to be annoying. "No!" I say in my deepest, sternest voice.
"I suppose you don't have a job either!" the beggar says with a smirk.
"I know where you can get one." I can't resist a good verbal fistfight. "They're shooting one of those Bum Fights videos downtown. You'd fit right in ya knothead!" The tramp throws me the finger and spits on himself. I laugh and give him two fingers in return. "Motherfrekn'naoewoareuea" he yells back at me as he scampers down an alley. I laugh and throw him another finger as a victory salute for good measure. "Get out of here ya dirt bag!" I yell after him, "You better get some of that Dumpster deli while it's fresh, loser!" I laugh at my own wit as he disappears around the far corner.
I go on chuckling to myself. The nerve of that alley rat I laugh. What a nitwit. Then I turn to find a priest has been watching the entire thing. He shakes his head at me as one does a child who has been caught misbehaving.
"Son" he says approaching me, his voice is soft, his face relaxing, "Could you spare oh, I dunno.. ten or twenty dollars? Not for me, but for the Church." He looks me right in the eye and smiles. His smile seems to glow and his voice sounds like a finely tuned instrument. He's been here before I think to myself.
"Father" I begin, for I don't know what else to call him, "Father, I'm not Catholic."
"Oh, the Lord won't hold that against you my child" he says, "Your money is good in the work of the Church, as good as the next fellows. Please, my son, could you reach into your heart and recognize His Grace and what it has meant in your life that you might come to help a fellow human being, surly a brother in need?"
Oh Jesus! I think, Uuuugh, this sucks! This old, creaky insane person is reaching his hand out in expectation. I feel heat in my backside, right in the wallet area! I slowly begin to reach behind myself. GOD! I'm screaming silently. I'm trying to resist what I am about to do.
Why does doing a good deed hurt so much? I can't stand this, I'm caught like a rat. The only good thing about this is none of my friends see what I am about to do! I could never live it down. Slowly I unlodge my wallet, time seemingly standing still as I blindly ruffle in my wallet to find a five dollar bill behind a ten and a twenty.
"That!" the priest perks up pointing a bent, knotty finger, "That twenty will do the Church nicely my son! Oh bless you! Bless you!"
Goddam@# my mind is screaming, my hands tremble as I pull out the twenty spot. Ugghghghgh! Jesus Chri!!!!! I slowly begin to hand the priest my twenty. But he doesn't wait for it, he snatches it from my grip.
"Oh yes my son!" He says, "Oh bless you my child, this will surly bring comfort to a lost soul somewhere."
I'm still blubbering as the priest goes trotting ahead of me shouting out praises. I shake my head at what I just did, what the hell came over me? What were you thinking? Do you realize how much blood you had to give at the office to squeeze a pay check out of the boss' veins, and then wrestle with the government to whittle it down to that twenty dollars you just gave away like some drunken fool? You idiot!
Well, I think to myself trying to make sense of my temporary insanity, at least he didn't ask me to drop to my knees I manage a chuckle.
Lord! What a.. ugggh!
Further up the block I can hear voices. It's that priest still praising me! I shake my head, he's right around the corner, don't look at him just keep walking you've done your good deed for the day, hell for twenty days! Twenty years! As I begin to step past where the priest is I see he's with that bum I ran into earlier! What the fu**... and worst... he's giving him MY twenty dollar bill! The priest smiles at me and the bum waves.
"Thanks Mister" the bum yells out at me as he continues to wave. I see he's holding my twenty and giving me the finger at the same time! "This old dude here tells me what ya done. Going about saving the world but ya couldn't spare a brother a cigarette, pathetic!" He laughs, and spits on himself.
"No" says I, "I don't smoke."
"Well then, do you have a couple of dollars you can spare?" He presses forward trying to be intimidating but only proving himself to be annoying. "No!" I say in my deepest, sternest voice.
"I suppose you don't have a job either!" the beggar says with a smirk.
"I know where you can get one." I can't resist a good verbal fistfight. "They're shooting one of those Bum Fights videos downtown. You'd fit right in ya knothead!" The tramp throws me the finger and spits on himself. I laugh and give him two fingers in return. "Motherfrekn'naoewoareuea" he yells back at me as he scampers down an alley. I laugh and throw him another finger as a victory salute for good measure. "Get out of here ya dirt bag!" I yell after him, "You better get some of that Dumpster deli while it's fresh, loser!" I laugh at my own wit as he disappears around the far corner.
I go on chuckling to myself. The nerve of that alley rat I laugh. What a nitwit. Then I turn to find a priest has been watching the entire thing. He shakes his head at me as one does a child who has been caught misbehaving.
"Son" he says approaching me, his voice is soft, his face relaxing, "Could you spare oh, I dunno.. ten or twenty dollars? Not for me, but for the Church." He looks me right in the eye and smiles. His smile seems to glow and his voice sounds like a finely tuned instrument. He's been here before I think to myself.
"Father" I begin, for I don't know what else to call him, "Father, I'm not Catholic."
"Oh, the Lord won't hold that against you my child" he says, "Your money is good in the work of the Church, as good as the next fellows. Please, my son, could you reach into your heart and recognize His Grace and what it has meant in your life that you might come to help a fellow human being, surly a brother in need?"
Oh Jesus! I think, Uuuugh, this sucks! This old, creaky insane person is reaching his hand out in expectation. I feel heat in my backside, right in the wallet area! I slowly begin to reach behind myself. GOD! I'm screaming silently. I'm trying to resist what I am about to do.
Why does doing a good deed hurt so much? I can't stand this, I'm caught like a rat. The only good thing about this is none of my friends see what I am about to do! I could never live it down. Slowly I unlodge my wallet, time seemingly standing still as I blindly ruffle in my wallet to find a five dollar bill behind a ten and a twenty.
"That!" the priest perks up pointing a bent, knotty finger, "That twenty will do the Church nicely my son! Oh bless you! Bless you!"
Goddam@# my mind is screaming, my hands tremble as I pull out the twenty spot. Ugghghghgh! Jesus Chri!!!!! I slowly begin to hand the priest my twenty. But he doesn't wait for it, he snatches it from my grip.
"Oh yes my son!" He says, "Oh bless you my child, this will surly bring comfort to a lost soul somewhere."
I'm still blubbering as the priest goes trotting ahead of me shouting out praises. I shake my head at what I just did, what the hell came over me? What were you thinking? Do you realize how much blood you had to give at the office to squeeze a pay check out of the boss' veins, and then wrestle with the government to whittle it down to that twenty dollars you just gave away like some drunken fool? You idiot!
Well, I think to myself trying to make sense of my temporary insanity, at least he didn't ask me to drop to my knees I manage a chuckle.
Lord! What a.. ugggh!
Further up the block I can hear voices. It's that priest still praising me! I shake my head, he's right around the corner, don't look at him just keep walking you've done your good deed for the day, hell for twenty days! Twenty years! As I begin to step past where the priest is I see he's with that bum I ran into earlier! What the fu**... and worst... he's giving him MY twenty dollar bill! The priest smiles at me and the bum waves.
"Thanks Mister" the bum yells out at me as he continues to wave. I see he's holding my twenty and giving me the finger at the same time! "This old dude here tells me what ya done. Going about saving the world but ya couldn't spare a brother a cigarette, pathetic!" He laughs, and spits on himself.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Welcome to Your New Life
So you say you're graduating college and now you're anxious to get your career and "new life" underway. You're looking forward to getting away from, really getting away from, those "old" folks who call themselves your parents but who never seem to really understand you at all.
You've suffered through 12 years of public school and maybe 2 to 4 years (or more) of college, freedom isn't around the corner, now it's clearly in site!
Well, hold your horses. The pain isn't over. In fact, it's just beginning.
Your first year on the job will blow up a lot of your illusions. But hey, it's only your first year right? There's better to come. After all, you're looking for a long career and only Lord knows where the years will take you. Well, the Lord and in all modesty.. me.
It isn't going to be a picnic.
After year one comes year two then year three. You'll be lucky to be employed not only by the same company three years from now but employed in your chosen field at all! And once you're busy slaving away at what you've been learning all these years.. which isn't necessarily what you think it is... you've actually been taught how to be a GOOD SLAVE... all sorts of things begin to happen in your life and in your head.
If you haven't already done so, then you may fall in love. Then comes the baby or babies. And all of the responsibilities that entails. Now things get really "interesting". Job, family, job, family, job, family. Slowly you and your better half find yourself drifting apart, pursuing other interests whenever you can find the time. And there's the haggling and arguments over finances, always a hungry third party of any marriage. Not to mention all of the unwanted "advice" by well meaning (?) in-laws.
Oh yeah, you're new life is going swell!
Then one day, after years of banging your head against the wall meeting the needs of needy employers you look in the mirror and wonder what the hell ever happened to YOU. Now you're the parent struggling to understand the brats you're putting through college, sweating over how you're going to pay for everything. But you're still hopeful. One day you're going to retire and if your employer doesn't rip you off and if you can keep the government out of your pocket long enough, and if your kids don't drive you to drink and drugs, you'll be able to retire!
Ah yes, so don't sweat that first year of hell on the job, there's 29 more to come and then one day, yes one day, you'll finally be able to settle down into that New Life you've been wanting all along.
That is, if you don't croak along the way.
You've suffered through 12 years of public school and maybe 2 to 4 years (or more) of college, freedom isn't around the corner, now it's clearly in site!
Well, hold your horses. The pain isn't over. In fact, it's just beginning.
Your first year on the job will blow up a lot of your illusions. But hey, it's only your first year right? There's better to come. After all, you're looking for a long career and only Lord knows where the years will take you. Well, the Lord and in all modesty.. me.
It isn't going to be a picnic.
After year one comes year two then year three. You'll be lucky to be employed not only by the same company three years from now but employed in your chosen field at all! And once you're busy slaving away at what you've been learning all these years.. which isn't necessarily what you think it is... you've actually been taught how to be a GOOD SLAVE... all sorts of things begin to happen in your life and in your head.
If you haven't already done so, then you may fall in love. Then comes the baby or babies. And all of the responsibilities that entails. Now things get really "interesting". Job, family, job, family, job, family. Slowly you and your better half find yourself drifting apart, pursuing other interests whenever you can find the time. And there's the haggling and arguments over finances, always a hungry third party of any marriage. Not to mention all of the unwanted "advice" by well meaning (?) in-laws.
Oh yeah, you're new life is going swell!
Then one day, after years of banging your head against the wall meeting the needs of needy employers you look in the mirror and wonder what the hell ever happened to YOU. Now you're the parent struggling to understand the brats you're putting through college, sweating over how you're going to pay for everything. But you're still hopeful. One day you're going to retire and if your employer doesn't rip you off and if you can keep the government out of your pocket long enough, and if your kids don't drive you to drink and drugs, you'll be able to retire!
Ah yes, so don't sweat that first year of hell on the job, there's 29 more to come and then one day, yes one day, you'll finally be able to settle down into that New Life you've been wanting all along.
That is, if you don't croak along the way.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Don't Shake Moe's Hand
Moe, of The Moe Radio Show on Q92, is a fat bastard by his own admission. Well, I dressed it up some.. but he does says he’s a fat "dude". He looks disgusting naked (again, by his own admission) but he likes his women "hot". They are always "hot" never, "a great looking woman."
Moe tells us he’s a selfish guy. He’s also rude as hell to anyone whom he doesn’t agree with. This sort of crap is very popular among most of the fools who ring him up on the radio. Even those half-wits who call to cuss him out when they know full well he’s going to bash their brains out with screaming and fuming. It’s ridiculous really. But I’m stuck listening to this guy rant about his fat ass and stupid opinions because my co-workers like to listen to him so they can ridicule nearly everything he says.
For example, Moe claims he just doesn’t understand guys who aren’t trying to lay every "hot girl" they can get their hands on. He admits to having sacked XX number of women in his short demented life. I’ve heard other fat guys brag like this but hey, Moe may well be on the level. I doubt though these "hot women" are after him because he’s on the radio! We all know people who make being on the radio a career are on the radio for a reason.. their voices are their best feature, if you know what I mean. I suspect these women are either high or drunk or both. You know near closing time everything looks "doable".. even guys like Moe I guess. "Hot women" doesn’t necessarily mean, "intelligent women."
Years ago I dated a woman who had it all going for her; big breasted, shapely figure and a face with sleepy eyes that just seemed to beg for it. In Moe’s terms she was "hot". But along with the promise of a good time came a nightmare of emotional highs and lows and what can only be termed "insanity unbounded".
For example, DeeDee (not her real name but I don’t want her looking me up with a freak’n suicide vest strapped to her big boobs), once dragged me out to the boondocks kicking, screaming and protesting to meet "Don Johnson", the actor. In her warped mind this hillbilly living in a beat up mobile home was "Don Johnson". Now he never said he was Don Johnson, she simply had convinced herself he was the famed actor. He looked nothing like Don Johnson! I’m talking NOTHING LIKE HIM AT ALL!
I remember taking one look at this drunk in a dirty T-shirt standing in the doorway of this trashed out mobile home, turning around, cussing DeeDee out and jumping in my car I left her with him way out in hillbilly land never to look back!
So much for "hot women" Moe, you freak’n retard. All any man needs is ONE good woman, everything beyond that simply makes you a pig. It’s quality that counts most in life, not quantity.
Recently Moe had a run in with a guy in a lavatory. The "old guy" as Moe put it, challenged him for not washing his hands after "going number 1". So for 15 minutes (or so it seemed) Moe ranted on how he washes his "junk" (again, Moe’s term for it) BEFORE he takes a piss! LOL LOL, what a knothead! Every two-year-old knows to wash his hand AFTER taking a piss but here’s lady-killer Moe telling us he washes his pecker BEFORE he takes a piss!
So let’s take a step back here for a minute and access the situation: A fat guy with strong sexual fantasies on the verge of total perversion who doesn’t wash his hands after taking a piss – every "hot" woman’s dream I’m sure.
But consider this: the guy is a Disc Jockey sitting on his fat, sweaty ass all day. Anyone who ever had to work next to a fat sweaty guy knows that’s not good. They stink. They stink because they’re constantly sweating. They stink because they tend to carry shit and piss in their underwear (you can smell it I’m not making this stuff up). And now Moe tells us proudly that he doesn’t wash his hands after handling his "junk"… OH MY FREAK’N GOD!
If not for the laughter in my office as this moron rant on about the "old dude who should be dead" criticizing him for his lack of class I think I would puke!
Now imagine this, knowing all of this about Moe, you walk up to him and he sticks his hand out to shake your hand. Do you accept it?
Moe tells us he’s a selfish guy. He’s also rude as hell to anyone whom he doesn’t agree with. This sort of crap is very popular among most of the fools who ring him up on the radio. Even those half-wits who call to cuss him out when they know full well he’s going to bash their brains out with screaming and fuming. It’s ridiculous really. But I’m stuck listening to this guy rant about his fat ass and stupid opinions because my co-workers like to listen to him so they can ridicule nearly everything he says.
For example, Moe claims he just doesn’t understand guys who aren’t trying to lay every "hot girl" they can get their hands on. He admits to having sacked XX number of women in his short demented life. I’ve heard other fat guys brag like this but hey, Moe may well be on the level. I doubt though these "hot women" are after him because he’s on the radio! We all know people who make being on the radio a career are on the radio for a reason.. their voices are their best feature, if you know what I mean. I suspect these women are either high or drunk or both. You know near closing time everything looks "doable".. even guys like Moe I guess. "Hot women" doesn’t necessarily mean, "intelligent women."
Years ago I dated a woman who had it all going for her; big breasted, shapely figure and a face with sleepy eyes that just seemed to beg for it. In Moe’s terms she was "hot". But along with the promise of a good time came a nightmare of emotional highs and lows and what can only be termed "insanity unbounded".
For example, DeeDee (not her real name but I don’t want her looking me up with a freak’n suicide vest strapped to her big boobs), once dragged me out to the boondocks kicking, screaming and protesting to meet "Don Johnson", the actor. In her warped mind this hillbilly living in a beat up mobile home was "Don Johnson". Now he never said he was Don Johnson, she simply had convinced herself he was the famed actor. He looked nothing like Don Johnson! I’m talking NOTHING LIKE HIM AT ALL!
I remember taking one look at this drunk in a dirty T-shirt standing in the doorway of this trashed out mobile home, turning around, cussing DeeDee out and jumping in my car I left her with him way out in hillbilly land never to look back!
So much for "hot women" Moe, you freak’n retard. All any man needs is ONE good woman, everything beyond that simply makes you a pig. It’s quality that counts most in life, not quantity.
Recently Moe had a run in with a guy in a lavatory. The "old guy" as Moe put it, challenged him for not washing his hands after "going number 1". So for 15 minutes (or so it seemed) Moe ranted on how he washes his "junk" (again, Moe’s term for it) BEFORE he takes a piss! LOL LOL, what a knothead! Every two-year-old knows to wash his hand AFTER taking a piss but here’s lady-killer Moe telling us he washes his pecker BEFORE he takes a piss!
So let’s take a step back here for a minute and access the situation: A fat guy with strong sexual fantasies on the verge of total perversion who doesn’t wash his hands after taking a piss – every "hot" woman’s dream I’m sure.
But consider this: the guy is a Disc Jockey sitting on his fat, sweaty ass all day. Anyone who ever had to work next to a fat sweaty guy knows that’s not good. They stink. They stink because they’re constantly sweating. They stink because they tend to carry shit and piss in their underwear (you can smell it I’m not making this stuff up). And now Moe tells us proudly that he doesn’t wash his hands after handling his "junk"… OH MY FREAK’N GOD!
If not for the laughter in my office as this moron rant on about the "old dude who should be dead" criticizing him for his lack of class I think I would puke!
Now imagine this, knowing all of this about Moe, you walk up to him and he sticks his hand out to shake your hand. Do you accept it?
Monday, April 19, 2010
Why Ice Land Sucks: What's in a Name?
Ice Land is really beginning to piss me off. Not only do they have the gull to pollute most of Europe with a volcano eruption but with those ridiculous sounding names you can’t even cuss the bastards out properly.
In China every other person is named "Lee". Every third person is named "Yang". These are names we can handle. But try "Yokuyiolanoddurandnf god dammit" and you end up with a mouthful of shit.
Even the late, great, Jun Fan Yuen Kam had the good sense to give us a name we all can handle; Bruce Lee. But of course, only a fool would have cussed Bruce Lee out by any name.
In China every other person is named "Lee". Every third person is named "Yang". These are names we can handle. But try "Yokuyiolanoddurandnf god dammit" and you end up with a mouthful of shit.
Even the late, great, Jun Fan Yuen Kam had the good sense to give us a name we all can handle; Bruce Lee. But of course, only a fool would have cussed Bruce Lee out by any name.
Turn the Volume Up
If you're up cruising the Internet and find yourself here then turn the damn volume up there's some good jamming in the house.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Shut Up A-Holes, you ain't done anything yet!
Working in America today sucks. Most of us know this. But the blind young A-holes coming up may not fully understand how much they are being cheated. But then again, they haven't done anything to deserve anything better either!
When I hear these young assholes cry in their beer I can't keep my mouth shut. I let them know that their generation hasn't done a damn thing yet. They haven't even earned the right to complain about us old farts! Mostly they should keep their mouths shut and swallow.
Take the Internet for example, today's twenty-year-olds fell into it. It wasn't their generation that invented it. No, it was us "old farts" that done the deed.
Cars, again, twenty-year-olds haven't had a damn thing to do with inventing that either. Those old bastards older then me did that one.
Look at the asinine clothes these kids wear, nothing new there either. Some old bastard has made all that trash possible as well.
How about all that crap on these young girl's face? They didn't invent that mud either.
Twenty-year-olds didn't invent the ink running in their veins, polluting their bodies with toxins in the form of "tats" either. Hell, that one was invented centuries ago!
And thinking of tats I have to laugh when some young moron calls that shit "art". LOL LOL.. under-educated nitwits! Norman Rockwell done art.. what you have scribbled all over your hide are freak'n CARTOONS ya knotheads!
Just too damn funny to think how much these young folks just don't understand. Why hell, if it wasn’t for all of their give-it-to-me-cause-I’m-too-stupid-to-earn-it attitude we wouldn’t have that half-wit in the White House running our country into the toilet day-after-day.
Enough said, I’m out of here. Us old farts need our sleep so we can wake up refreshed for yet another day of bitch’n.
Have a good day. :O/
When I hear these young assholes cry in their beer I can't keep my mouth shut. I let them know that their generation hasn't done a damn thing yet. They haven't even earned the right to complain about us old farts! Mostly they should keep their mouths shut and swallow.
Take the Internet for example, today's twenty-year-olds fell into it. It wasn't their generation that invented it. No, it was us "old farts" that done the deed.
Cars, again, twenty-year-olds haven't had a damn thing to do with inventing that either. Those old bastards older then me did that one.
Look at the asinine clothes these kids wear, nothing new there either. Some old bastard has made all that trash possible as well.
How about all that crap on these young girl's face? They didn't invent that mud either.
Twenty-year-olds didn't invent the ink running in their veins, polluting their bodies with toxins in the form of "tats" either. Hell, that one was invented centuries ago!
And thinking of tats I have to laugh when some young moron calls that shit "art". LOL LOL.. under-educated nitwits! Norman Rockwell done art.. what you have scribbled all over your hide are freak'n CARTOONS ya knotheads!
Just too damn funny to think how much these young folks just don't understand. Why hell, if it wasn’t for all of their give-it-to-me-cause-I’m-too-stupid-to-earn-it attitude we wouldn’t have that half-wit in the White House running our country into the toilet day-after-day.
Enough said, I’m out of here. Us old farts need our sleep so we can wake up refreshed for yet another day of bitch’n.
Have a good day. :O/
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
How Karma took an Ass Out
This Ass ( I won’t give his name to protect what little dignity the fool has left), had a knee-jerk-ass-kissing reaction a few months ago to an "incident" which resulted in me being "reassigned" from the asinine job I had.
The Ass never bother to take the time to ask me why I did what I did, he didn’t care. He simply ran on his pathetic half-witted, chase-the-frig’n-carrot instincts as he played to his hillbilly ego. You see, the Ass had hopes of someday being accepted by the Powers That Be as one of them. But what he never figured out is that if those powers wanted him they would have hired him directly years ago! Instead, they were always leading him on to make him think that one day he would be Blessed and given the nod to Enter into the Inner Circle. But as it stood he, like all of the rest of us, were "sub-contracted" to this major American corporation.
Now when the "incident" went down, and the Ass had his knee-jerk reaction, he no doubt thought he was on top of things and that some how his swift, but totally blind, action would assure him his coveted spot among the Immortals.
Once my head had cleared as to what took place I begin a letter writing campaign as I waited for my reassignment to a new post. Last on my list was the Ass himself. Step-by-step I told him what happened and why I took the action I had taken. All the stuff the Ass never bothered to ask me. Then at the bottom of my letter I wished him well for whatever he thought he had going at this company and that karma is so unpredictable. I couldn’t have nailed it any better then this.
This incident took place several months ago and I still wake up in the morning the same way in which I go to bed, laughing. I find it out side of my capabilities to stop laughing when I think how right on the money I was with the karma thing. I’m sure he must have smirked over that line in my letter to him because he simply believed he had everything under his control. But he didn’t count on karma and a really fucked up son to take his ass out of his ass-kissing job!
Apparently, the Ass’ son had borrowed his dad’s piece-of-shit pickup truck and managed to get it riddled with bullets! Then to protect his worthless son the Ass decided to lie to the police by telling them it was he and his wife who were ambushed by a group of men as they were driving about their business. And hence the Ass set in motion his eventual doom. But the icing on the cake was the time he spent in jail and his name dropping of the major American firm he was hoping someday to be a part of. This American company is always quick to cut their losses as soon as they are recognized and they never support the losers clinging to their coat tails. And hence the Ass was dismissed by both the company which he worked for, and the company that he was assigned to! HA! The DOUBLE-WHAMMY sealed his worthless reputation and his dismal future. Now it is he who must try to find a job and start all over. So I lay there in bed laughing as I think of the turn of events.
As for me, I’m still with the same company and in fact they have trained me for a better position!
Karma, never leave home thinking you can be an Ass and everything will work out for the best in the end. As I told the Ass, karma is so unpredictable.
The Ass never bother to take the time to ask me why I did what I did, he didn’t care. He simply ran on his pathetic half-witted, chase-the-frig’n-carrot instincts as he played to his hillbilly ego. You see, the Ass had hopes of someday being accepted by the Powers That Be as one of them. But what he never figured out is that if those powers wanted him they would have hired him directly years ago! Instead, they were always leading him on to make him think that one day he would be Blessed and given the nod to Enter into the Inner Circle. But as it stood he, like all of the rest of us, were "sub-contracted" to this major American corporation.
Now when the "incident" went down, and the Ass had his knee-jerk reaction, he no doubt thought he was on top of things and that some how his swift, but totally blind, action would assure him his coveted spot among the Immortals.
Once my head had cleared as to what took place I begin a letter writing campaign as I waited for my reassignment to a new post. Last on my list was the Ass himself. Step-by-step I told him what happened and why I took the action I had taken. All the stuff the Ass never bothered to ask me. Then at the bottom of my letter I wished him well for whatever he thought he had going at this company and that karma is so unpredictable. I couldn’t have nailed it any better then this.
This incident took place several months ago and I still wake up in the morning the same way in which I go to bed, laughing. I find it out side of my capabilities to stop laughing when I think how right on the money I was with the karma thing. I’m sure he must have smirked over that line in my letter to him because he simply believed he had everything under his control. But he didn’t count on karma and a really fucked up son to take his ass out of his ass-kissing job!
Apparently, the Ass’ son had borrowed his dad’s piece-of-shit pickup truck and managed to get it riddled with bullets! Then to protect his worthless son the Ass decided to lie to the police by telling them it was he and his wife who were ambushed by a group of men as they were driving about their business. And hence the Ass set in motion his eventual doom. But the icing on the cake was the time he spent in jail and his name dropping of the major American firm he was hoping someday to be a part of. This American company is always quick to cut their losses as soon as they are recognized and they never support the losers clinging to their coat tails. And hence the Ass was dismissed by both the company which he worked for, and the company that he was assigned to! HA! The DOUBLE-WHAMMY sealed his worthless reputation and his dismal future. Now it is he who must try to find a job and start all over. So I lay there in bed laughing as I think of the turn of events.
As for me, I’m still with the same company and in fact they have trained me for a better position!
Karma, never leave home thinking you can be an Ass and everything will work out for the best in the end. As I told the Ass, karma is so unpredictable.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Curling
Curling is one of those “sports” you watch when there’s nothing else on television. For me there has to be absolutely NOTHING else good to watch, and this includes commercials that I haven’t seen a zillion times before I’ll bust a move to watch something as inherently asinine as curling.
I guess I just don’t get it. I’m amazed this nonsense is an Olympic “sport”. From what little I understand of it here is how it works:
One man or woman scoots a large “shooting rock” down an ice covered floor while two or three other “players” work their sticks back and forth around the sliding rock trying to get it to go where it needs to be. I assume they are attempting to smooth the pathway in which they want to direct the half-basketball-sized rock. I would hope the participation in this spectacle is more rewarding then the observation because if it isn’t then HELLO, these people need to get a clue!
To further drive this madness no one seems to be in any particular hurry to do anything. They will call time out and huddle discussing angles and strategies but I half expect them to break out coffee and doughnuts and to join the audience in the bleachers! Nothing much is happening as they shake and bob their heads in disgust and bewilderment. I don’t know how, or even if, they keep their concentration. Honestly, they remind me of a bunch of weekend mechanics huddled around a car who’s engine just died and they don’t know what do about it which is signified by a lot of head and chin scratching.
But at some point the “team” gets their act together and decide to give the stone yet another shove down the court. And with the Canadian audience there is a lot of hooting and howling as their countrymen apparently “do well.” I have no idea how that is achieved nor what constitutes a “score.” The best I can make out is that the stone which ends up the closes to the centerline within the targeted “zone” is a “good stone.”
Describing this activity is almost as lame as watching it. I have no idea what Canadians see in this and even less as to why Americans would participate. But there you are yet another ridiculous Olympic “sport” for Americans to lose.
I don’t believe anyone is a “born natural” for this sport. It’s not like football or basketball or baseball where one is “gifted” or not. To my way of thinking curling is something one falls into when they discover they aren’t any good at real sports. In that sense it has a lot in common with golf.
Now if they were to suddenly pick up those rocks and toss them at one another we might have the makings of a real sport! At least then you could clearly define the winners from the losers. But as it is I’m left scratching my head to hear that the Americans lost, “Get the hell out of here!” Says I, “THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY LOSE?”
I know what you’re thinking, I know. You’re saying that curling isn’t as easy as it looks and therefore deserves a spot in the Olympics. But, neither is falling down a flight of steps easy. I wouldn’t want that included as an Olympic sport either.
To the American men’s team I would say, take heart, if you don’t tell I won’t tell anyone you lost and it will remain our little secret.
I guess I just don’t get it. I’m amazed this nonsense is an Olympic “sport”. From what little I understand of it here is how it works:
One man or woman scoots a large “shooting rock” down an ice covered floor while two or three other “players” work their sticks back and forth around the sliding rock trying to get it to go where it needs to be. I assume they are attempting to smooth the pathway in which they want to direct the half-basketball-sized rock. I would hope the participation in this spectacle is more rewarding then the observation because if it isn’t then HELLO, these people need to get a clue!
To further drive this madness no one seems to be in any particular hurry to do anything. They will call time out and huddle discussing angles and strategies but I half expect them to break out coffee and doughnuts and to join the audience in the bleachers! Nothing much is happening as they shake and bob their heads in disgust and bewilderment. I don’t know how, or even if, they keep their concentration. Honestly, they remind me of a bunch of weekend mechanics huddled around a car who’s engine just died and they don’t know what do about it which is signified by a lot of head and chin scratching.
But at some point the “team” gets their act together and decide to give the stone yet another shove down the court. And with the Canadian audience there is a lot of hooting and howling as their countrymen apparently “do well.” I have no idea how that is achieved nor what constitutes a “score.” The best I can make out is that the stone which ends up the closes to the centerline within the targeted “zone” is a “good stone.”
Describing this activity is almost as lame as watching it. I have no idea what Canadians see in this and even less as to why Americans would participate. But there you are yet another ridiculous Olympic “sport” for Americans to lose.
I don’t believe anyone is a “born natural” for this sport. It’s not like football or basketball or baseball where one is “gifted” or not. To my way of thinking curling is something one falls into when they discover they aren’t any good at real sports. In that sense it has a lot in common with golf.
Now if they were to suddenly pick up those rocks and toss them at one another we might have the makings of a real sport! At least then you could clearly define the winners from the losers. But as it is I’m left scratching my head to hear that the Americans lost, “Get the hell out of here!” Says I, “THEY DIDN’T DO ANYTHING HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY LOSE?”
I know what you’re thinking, I know. You’re saying that curling isn’t as easy as it looks and therefore deserves a spot in the Olympics. But, neither is falling down a flight of steps easy. I wouldn’t want that included as an Olympic sport either.
To the American men’s team I would say, take heart, if you don’t tell I won’t tell anyone you lost and it will remain our little secret.
Monday, February 15, 2010
I Want it All
Just between you and me I want it all. Sure I understand power to the people and all that crap. I know the rich bastards are working hard to keep us average Joe’s downtrodden. All anyone has to do to realize this is compare paycheck. I mean something is seriously out of whack for most of us.
Even if you have received a great education and are enjoying a fantastic-paying job you’re still on someone’s shit list. Unless you’re employed by some government agency chances are you’ve got one foot out the door already. You just may be too stupid to realize how easily you can be replaced in this fast pace hellish society of ours.
And don’t think for a moment guys like Barack Obama don't take advantage of the situation. They all do and you know it. If this weren’t true the problem of inequality would have been taken care of a hundred years ago instead of consistently getting worst every year, every election.
I wasn’t always this cynical. As a younger man I use to listen to these old bastards whine about how screwed up everything was. Now I’m one of those old bastards and I realize for the first time in my life just what the hell they all were saying and what they meant. Things are seriously messed up.
But I don’t like feeling this way. I still try to maintain a ‘can-do’ attitude even though at times it’s become a real challenge to give a shit. I don’t want the government to tax the hell out of the rich because I know (and again you do to) that it’ll only fall back on folks like us. Sure we like to pretend that it’s "get even time" with the rich but that’s all a bunch of shit. There isn’t any such thing as getting even. Getting even is an illusion created by the bastards running Washington. It’s a ploy to get elected then to get re-elected. It works because we love the idea, but we never really see anything come of it.
What have we all witnessed this past year? It sure as hell wasn’t the little guy getting bailed out! It wasn’t millions of dollars flowing into the public coffers. The flow was in the other direction and will continue to be so for as long as the rich bastards have that tit to milk.As for you and me… get over it. There isn’t a damn thing we can do about it. It is what it is. We can march on Washington, burn the stupid place to the ground and you know what? After all the name calling and hand holding we’d be right back on track digging the rich out of the hole they created.
And so, that’s why I want it all. I find it hard to hang onto so little. I feel like I’m stuck in a continuous cartoon and the only thing I have left is my sense of humor. Without that, what the hell am I doing here?
If I had it all then maybe I’d have a reason to march on Washington. As it is now I can’t afford to even get there. Hell, I’m trying to scrape up enough money to pay the electric so I can watch you march on Washington on television!
And here’s a parting thought: if I had it all I could afford to bail you out when they throw you in jail for protesting people who have it all!
Even if you have received a great education and are enjoying a fantastic-paying job you’re still on someone’s shit list. Unless you’re employed by some government agency chances are you’ve got one foot out the door already. You just may be too stupid to realize how easily you can be replaced in this fast pace hellish society of ours.
And don’t think for a moment guys like Barack Obama don't take advantage of the situation. They all do and you know it. If this weren’t true the problem of inequality would have been taken care of a hundred years ago instead of consistently getting worst every year, every election.
I wasn’t always this cynical. As a younger man I use to listen to these old bastards whine about how screwed up everything was. Now I’m one of those old bastards and I realize for the first time in my life just what the hell they all were saying and what they meant. Things are seriously messed up.
But I don’t like feeling this way. I still try to maintain a ‘can-do’ attitude even though at times it’s become a real challenge to give a shit. I don’t want the government to tax the hell out of the rich because I know (and again you do to) that it’ll only fall back on folks like us. Sure we like to pretend that it’s "get even time" with the rich but that’s all a bunch of shit. There isn’t any such thing as getting even. Getting even is an illusion created by the bastards running Washington. It’s a ploy to get elected then to get re-elected. It works because we love the idea, but we never really see anything come of it.
What have we all witnessed this past year? It sure as hell wasn’t the little guy getting bailed out! It wasn’t millions of dollars flowing into the public coffers. The flow was in the other direction and will continue to be so for as long as the rich bastards have that tit to milk.As for you and me… get over it. There isn’t a damn thing we can do about it. It is what it is. We can march on Washington, burn the stupid place to the ground and you know what? After all the name calling and hand holding we’d be right back on track digging the rich out of the hole they created.
And so, that’s why I want it all. I find it hard to hang onto so little. I feel like I’m stuck in a continuous cartoon and the only thing I have left is my sense of humor. Without that, what the hell am I doing here?
If I had it all then maybe I’d have a reason to march on Washington. As it is now I can’t afford to even get there. Hell, I’m trying to scrape up enough money to pay the electric so I can watch you march on Washington on television!
And here’s a parting thought: if I had it all I could afford to bail you out when they throw you in jail for protesting people who have it all!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
ActiveX controls Vs another Middle East crisis
In Microsoft's wisdom they have managed to make their browser a real pain in the ass to use. In fact, if they keep going in the direction they are now I suspect no one will want the lame thing on their computer at all!
If you can not pick up the live feed below from Hog's Breath Saloon it's because your browser is blocking it. You'll have to click on the yellow box at the top of your browser and allow for script and ActiveX controls to work. I promise this won't set off a nuclear melt down or yet another Middle East crisis!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Going Postal
I got into a conversation the other day with a pea-brain who was supporting corporations. He claimed the company he works for.. or rather.. WORKED for, gives a crap. HA! Not! I tried to explain to this knothead that there isn't a corporation in America today that really gives a crap about anyone. What all corporations care about is the bottom line. And perhaps that is how it should be, I don't know. The human side of me what's to scream foul. But the practical side says, what the hell, who cares?
But no matter which side you come down on you have to admit it's pretty damn funny that corporations want their employees to be loyal to them. Why? Most of these cowards in charge don't even have the guts to fire someone face-to-face in this lame society of ours today. The guy I mentioned at the start of this rant got the ax in a freak'n letter! One poor slob got his firing through a text message! LOL LOL LOL... I expect a bump in the sale of AK47s along the way. I'm sure someone is just dying to go postal on someone's ass. I mean, isn't that what you do when things don't go your way?
Friday, January 29, 2010
Update
Yeah, I'm working on a bunch of new stuff. The goofballs I work for screwed up my schedule and it's thrown me off for a little while. But I managed to find a niche, again (these people are morons and hillbillies) to work on my cartoons on their dime. There's nothing better then that.
I sit in front of two monitors watching basically nothing for seven to eight hours a night. If something moves on those screens I lean back a little to tell the knotheads on the other side that I saw something move and they call the police. I go back to watching nothing and working on my cartoons. You have to love all this hi-tech shit.
Sure it's lame, but then again... that's Tards.
I sit in front of two monitors watching basically nothing for seven to eight hours a night. If something moves on those screens I lean back a little to tell the knotheads on the other side that I saw something move and they call the police. I go back to watching nothing and working on my cartoons. You have to love all this hi-tech shit.
Sure it's lame, but then again... that's Tards.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year
Well, well, well, another year shot to hell and good riddance to it. 2009 hit a full "10" on my Suck-O-Meter.
Our nation blew its wad, and then some, on trying to spend its way out of the toilet. We've been running on Chinese yellow-backs for so long now I wouldn't be surprise to see our green-backs with "Made in China" printed on them one day. Don't laugh, the Chinese already make our flag for us.
What do I look for in 2010? Glad you asked. I hope 2010 is the year Barack Obama man it up and grow some balls. We haven't seen that yet. What we've seen is a guy with this huge ego running around reassuring us that he is the man to get the job done. What exactly IS his job I have no idea. He makes pretty speeches if you overlook the "uh,uh,uh" and the constant, "Let me be perfectly clear." I haven't heard this man being clear on a damn thing. I don't think he knows what in the hell he is doing. He knows one thing, he's black and he has a good paying job. And he has some pretty sweet wheels to go with a big title (thanks to us).
Barack Obama's government needs to get over itself or 2010 will be a real sludge-fest. More promises, more big talk and pretty speeches, and a lot of posturing and self-promoting. But one thing really good ought to come out of 2010.. with any luck we'll stop hearing how everything that's wrong with the world is because of George W. Bush. Obama's constant history rehashing is getting pretty thin. It's not as if the Democrats didn't help sink us. Remember when Obama sued, and won, Chase for not giving out enough "risky loans"? Yeah, way to go Einstein. Now of course he's on the other side of the fence where it's not so easy to hide his mistakes. And from what I can tell he's making plenty of them. At some point Obama has to stop milking this donkey and ride it because he's going to own it.
Oh yeah, by the way, Happy Freak'n New Year!
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